Good afternoon my dear girls!
How are you all? Having a lovely cosy Sunday I hope.
Things are bobbing along pretty well here. Jenny continues to be comparatively well. She starts her chemo week next week and that's always lousy but she's ploughing on through like a trooper...so, so proud of my girl. I honestly don't know where she gets it from but she is the most gracious girl I've ever known. I love her more and more each day.
She is going to be on TV soon. A programme is being made about our Oncology Unit and our Macmillan nurse has asked if Jenny can do a little interview with them so when we go to get her chemo on Tuesday she will be filmed and actually I'm quite pleased because it will be distracting and alleviate the usual grinding boredom of those visits (we have come to really hate going in.)
We're starting to get into the Christmas Spirit here..lots of secret crafting going on! I got a new tree this year and we absolutely love it! Makes me happy every time I look at it...might have to stay up all year...what do you think girls?
It's a bitter sweet time for me. I'm so very relieved and grateful that Jenny is still with us and that we can celebrate Christmas together...and I feel like that should be all that matters. You'd think so wouldn't you? And yet as she improves and is out of immediate danger I'm finding that I'm starting to struggle with stuff that I've put to one side for the past few months. Maybe there is space in my head now, that since April has just been full of sheer terror.
I'm really struggling to accept things that have happened. I know I need to for my mental health's sake and that leads to for Jenny's sake. But girls how on earth do I accept that my family....my Dad and my brother and sisters have totally rejected me and Jenny. Even through all of this. A few weeks into Jenny's illness when I had a breakdown, I was in hospital and my dear friend Janet, who I've known for 35 years told me that she found my family's lack of care totally appalling and that she wanted to speak to my Dad to see if she could get through to him. I agreed to her ringing him but sadly his reaction was that he had 'reached the end of the line with me'. When she asked if he was speaking for the whole family, he said 'yes'.
It was a very bad moment...a very bad time.
You could be forgiven for asking what I have done that brought them to that point. Have I had an affair with my sister's husband or maybe murdered someone? Have I been embezzling my Dad's pension or some other awful deed. The answer is No I haven't. In fact I've done nothing more than be a less than perfect person like the rest of us. I know that if Jenny were ever to do any of the above bad deeds I would still love her with all my heart. If she was having a tough time I would be there to do ANYTHING I could to help ease her pain.
So why are they leaving us to go through this alone? I don't know.
I just can't accept or understand it. It seems cruel beyond words.
I rang my Dad a couple of months ago to see if Jenny and I could visit him...even just for an hour. His response was No. That was the last I heard from him.
Jenny has had a card from my brother, sent to her Dad's house 8 months ago. That was it.
I wish I could just accept this and move on but at this time of year when we are surrounded by images of happy family Christmas' the contrast is just heartbreaking. I wish with all my heart that I could have given Jenny a lovely cosy, loving family but sadly she has no family on my side. She deserves so much more
The strangest thing is that they think my ex-husband is a splendid chap. It doesn't seem to matter that since Jenny was diagnosed he stopped paying even the low amount of child maintenance that he was paying. Apparently that's just fine. I wonder how it would be if his lovely older daughter (my step daughter) was unfortunate enough to ever find herself in this situation...would they all think it was ok for her ex-husband to leave her struggling to support their child alone? I would never ever wish this on her but I can't help wondering how that would be viewed. Not so splendidly I'm guessing.
I so want to be able to let go of all this...to just accept that they're a bunch of nasty people and forget about them but the truth is that I love my younger sister very much. I miss her and I always will. It's different with my brother because we've never really been close.He has a shocking temper and that's always made me very nervous when I'm around him. I always felt so desperate to win his approval but I think he's always found me awkward to be around and so we've had very few occasions that I could say were good times. I wish it had been different.
My Dad, I just can't understand. He is renowned for getting the wrong end of the stick and last time we spoke he told me that I had sold my business. When I tried to tell him that I hadn't...that I had had to close it and was left in substantial debt, he told me 'No I know you sold it because I Googled the address of your salon and it came up with a different name!' So obviously I slept through that transaction and have a pile of money in some bank account that I haven't noticed. How I wish that were true. He just wouldn't listen, so I guess the family believe that all's rosy here for Jenny and I
Girls, do you have any wise words for me? Have any of you had any experience with family difficulties that may help me move on from this and focus on Jenny? I know that you have always been so supportive and caring of me and I would say I really need your help my friends. I feel exhausted from just battling on alone.
There that's cheered you all up hasn't it? If you lasted through to the end of this tale of woe you deserve a medal.
Love you girls.